Christy. Some you don't even know who this person is, but she is my darling baby daughter. No I never got to "meet" her in person-she died while I was still pregnant with her of Monosomy X...or rather because of Monosomy X. So how does this small person influence my life? I never realized how precious life is...bigger than that, I took for granted my precious children before she was lost. Yes I loved my children and yes I took great care of them, but the true meaning of being a mom was lost to me. I spent lots of time being annoyed with them, fussing at them for doing kid stuff, etc.... Yeah I still get annoyed with them and I still fuss at them. But these days I appreciate how lucky I am to have children-how incredibly blessed I am to be a mom of not ONE but five children. This topic is really HARD for me to write about so I will end here and just say that I am so incredibly BLESSED that God chose to give me Christy, even if it was for a short time because she has changed my outlook on life. Here is a link about Monosomy X or Turner Syndrome:
http://www.umm.edu/ency/article/000379sym.htm
Showing posts with label Christy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christy. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Happy MOther's Day
To all of you mom's out there, have a happy mother's day today!! My dh and I are broke this mom's day but that 's okay as he's promised breakfast in bed and to take the kids out of the house for the afternoon. I need some time alone and he's giving it to me. Honestly, money can't buy that (well maybe in the form of a nanny but since I had children to raise them MYSELF...nannies are out of the picture-LOL).
Mother's Day is a time for all of us to think of the little ones that we hold dear to our hearts. I have five of the most beautiful children to ever grace the planet-well IMHO. Today would be another of my blessings birthdays...but she went to Heaven before she was ever born. You see, Christy Faith Elizabeth was a surprise child. After all, my dh had that big ole VASECTOMY after our third child was born. We truly weren't expecting to have more kids. EVER. Imagine my surprise finding myself pregnant 4.5 years later! I cried buckets trying to tell Pat that I was pregnant. Seriously....I just KNEW he was going to say, "well you are on your own because its NOT mine". He just hugged and kissed me and told me to quit worrying about it. THat's trust....and love. I guess if you really think about it-how COULD I cheat on him! We had just arrived in Germany. I didn't know anyone. I couldn't drive on my own yet. I homeschool my kids and I was at home in the house with them ALL day long. :D My second reaction to my pregnancy was "I don't want another baby".... and that lasted for about 20 seconds before I got kinda giddy. That reaction has caused me more guilt that a person has ever needed in a lifetime. How COULD I not want a baby. I love babies...always have. I would have a million of them if I could afford them and could have a normal pregnancy...
The early part of this pregnancy was fairly normal for me. I was sick all day long-hanging my head over the toilet. Felt really cruddy. I went to the first and second doctor appointments and got to see my little baby swirling around in there but better yet that reassuring beating of a heart. She was just so precious. I got past the first trimester and breathed that HUGE sigh of relief. I made it through the scary part, I can breathe easy. I was wrong and I found that out at my third appointment. THe doctor had just been joking with me when he put the U/S wand on my tummy. He had the screen pointed in my direction. I should have known something was wrong when he moved it and got this strange look on his face. There was no heartbeat. I LOOKED like I was about 4 weeks farther along than I was. I had felt her kick a few days earlier. I always feel the fluttering really early in my pregnancies but only once every few days.
What followed was the worst time of my life ever. I left that hospital in tears. I had walked to my appointment but the nurse had called my husband to come pick me up because I couldn't even stand much less walk. I called our insurance company because I wanted a second opinion. AFter all I had felt that baby move...the doctor HAD to be wrong. Tricare sent me to another hospital to the best OB in the whole country of Germany (IMHO). Dr. Weiss did another U/S and confirmed that the baby was indeed dead. AFter that I don't remember much, except him telling me he wanted me to stay in the hospital for a D&C as it looked like my body wasn't going to let the baby go on its own. I felt like my body was betraying me...the very body that refuses to carry a LIVE baby to term was hanging onto my precious baby who had died three days earlier. I refused to stay in the hospital alone that night...I needed my dh to hold me all night. I didn't want to be in a hospital where no one spoke my language on the night shift and so the doctor told me what time to come back. I left and my dh and I held that baby for dear life all night long. I held her the entire time with both hands until the doctor and anesthesiologist held both my hands, one of them wiping the tears out of my eyes, until the anesthesia took over. I woke up and the first words out of my mouth were let me see my baby. Of course they wouldn't...they had just scraped her into pieces and I didn't need that image. THe image I was left with is so much better. She had my chin and nose-both of those you can see in the profile of the last U/S picture. She was beautiful and absolutely perfect.
My OB sent her remains to a lab where they tested her because it wasn't the first miscarriage I had ever had (she was the second) and because I was in the second trimester. He had already told me that he thought she was a girl and that she had Monosomy X. The DNA testing confirmed both of those things.
Today I firmly believe the first kick I felt was Christy telling me good-bye. It was a STRONG kick and it was the only one I ever felt. It was strong enough to feel outside with my hand. I know she said good-bye....
So happy birthday Christy. I hope Jesus bakes you a cake today. MOmmy loves you and misses you so much. I can't wait to see you and hold you in Heaven someday.
Mother's Day is a time for all of us to think of the little ones that we hold dear to our hearts. I have five of the most beautiful children to ever grace the planet-well IMHO. Today would be another of my blessings birthdays...but she went to Heaven before she was ever born. You see, Christy Faith Elizabeth was a surprise child. After all, my dh had that big ole VASECTOMY after our third child was born. We truly weren't expecting to have more kids. EVER. Imagine my surprise finding myself pregnant 4.5 years later! I cried buckets trying to tell Pat that I was pregnant. Seriously....I just KNEW he was going to say, "well you are on your own because its NOT mine". He just hugged and kissed me and told me to quit worrying about it. THat's trust....and love. I guess if you really think about it-how COULD I cheat on him! We had just arrived in Germany. I didn't know anyone. I couldn't drive on my own yet. I homeschool my kids and I was at home in the house with them ALL day long. :D My second reaction to my pregnancy was "I don't want another baby".... and that lasted for about 20 seconds before I got kinda giddy. That reaction has caused me more guilt that a person has ever needed in a lifetime. How COULD I not want a baby. I love babies...always have. I would have a million of them if I could afford them and could have a normal pregnancy...
The early part of this pregnancy was fairly normal for me. I was sick all day long-hanging my head over the toilet. Felt really cruddy. I went to the first and second doctor appointments and got to see my little baby swirling around in there but better yet that reassuring beating of a heart. She was just so precious. I got past the first trimester and breathed that HUGE sigh of relief. I made it through the scary part, I can breathe easy. I was wrong and I found that out at my third appointment. THe doctor had just been joking with me when he put the U/S wand on my tummy. He had the screen pointed in my direction. I should have known something was wrong when he moved it and got this strange look on his face. There was no heartbeat. I LOOKED like I was about 4 weeks farther along than I was. I had felt her kick a few days earlier. I always feel the fluttering really early in my pregnancies but only once every few days.
What followed was the worst time of my life ever. I left that hospital in tears. I had walked to my appointment but the nurse had called my husband to come pick me up because I couldn't even stand much less walk. I called our insurance company because I wanted a second opinion. AFter all I had felt that baby move...the doctor HAD to be wrong. Tricare sent me to another hospital to the best OB in the whole country of Germany (IMHO). Dr. Weiss did another U/S and confirmed that the baby was indeed dead. AFter that I don't remember much, except him telling me he wanted me to stay in the hospital for a D&C as it looked like my body wasn't going to let the baby go on its own. I felt like my body was betraying me...the very body that refuses to carry a LIVE baby to term was hanging onto my precious baby who had died three days earlier. I refused to stay in the hospital alone that night...I needed my dh to hold me all night. I didn't want to be in a hospital where no one spoke my language on the night shift and so the doctor told me what time to come back. I left and my dh and I held that baby for dear life all night long. I held her the entire time with both hands until the doctor and anesthesiologist held both my hands, one of them wiping the tears out of my eyes, until the anesthesia took over. I woke up and the first words out of my mouth were let me see my baby. Of course they wouldn't...they had just scraped her into pieces and I didn't need that image. THe image I was left with is so much better. She had my chin and nose-both of those you can see in the profile of the last U/S picture. She was beautiful and absolutely perfect.
My OB sent her remains to a lab where they tested her because it wasn't the first miscarriage I had ever had (she was the second) and because I was in the second trimester. He had already told me that he thought she was a girl and that she had Monosomy X. The DNA testing confirmed both of those things.
Today I firmly believe the first kick I felt was Christy telling me good-bye. It was a STRONG kick and it was the only one I ever felt. It was strong enough to feel outside with my hand. I know she said good-bye....
So happy birthday Christy. I hope Jesus bakes you a cake today. MOmmy loves you and misses you so much. I can't wait to see you and hold you in Heaven someday.
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