A heart to heart: Anorexia

Anorexia is an eating disorder that mostly affects young women between the ages of 15-19 years of age, which makes up about 40% of all cases.  Approximately 90% of cases are female. (source, Wikipedia).   Symptoms of Anorexia are:

*perception of body image is distorted

*obsession with fat content and calories

* fear of gaining weight or becoming overweight

*scarring of the knuckles from using your fingers to induce vomiting

*lanugo on the skin

*a preoccupation with food and recipes

*making elaborate meals but refusing to eat any of it yourself

*obvious, rapid, dramatic weight loss

*becomes intolerant to cold

*rituals: cuts food into tiny pieces; refuses to eat around others; hides or discards food

And that list goes on and on.  You might be wondering why I am writing about anorexia.  I used to be anorexic.  When I was 16 years old, I decided at 107lbs and approximately 5’ tall that I was fat or getting fat.  My body had changed so rapidly, that I felt that I was overweight.  Go ahead, and write me off as “stupid, dumb, immature, etc….the immaturity was pretty accurate. However, I would encourage you to get to know someone who has anorexia…go visit a treatment facility…better yet, VOLUNTEER.  Then make judgment. 

Regardless of the why’s and maybe in spite of them, I all but stopped eating.  Go back to the list of symptoms.  I had the first 3.  My parents didn’t notice that I wasn’t eating.  My diet consisted of a salad and milk at lunch and a pack of saltines per day.  I lost down to 97lbs.  I stayed there for a long time.  I was exercising at night before I went to bed, but only for a little while-possibly half an hour.  Knowing what I know about exercise now, I doubt this had little effect on my weight.  I didn’t have the energy to do an intense workout. 

My mom finally took me to the doctor because my kidneys began to hurt…I was in so much pain.  She took me to a GP, who didn’t ask me what I was eating and drinking, didn’t do any other bloodwork EXCEPT to check the proteins in my urine.  The protein was high and he diagnosed me with Nephritis, which to my understanding is an inflamed kidney.  He put me on steroids, told me that I was likely to gain weight and to come back to see him.  My first reaction, was I DON’T think so….give me this medicine all you want, I will NOT gain weight.  And I didn’t.  I reduced my calories.  I didn’t drink anything.  Guess what?  The pain got so bad I couldn’t sleep at night and my mom got scared.  She took me to another GP who immediately reduced my steroids (Prednisone, BTW for anyone who cares).  He then took my mom out of the room to speak with her.  He told her that I needed a kidney specialist.  He told her that the one he recommended was full UNTIL the fall, it was March or April.  Then he told her that I would NOT live until fall.  I could hear them and it SCARED me to death.  He managed to get the Nephrologist to agree to fit me in the following week. 

I went home and started EATING.  No seriously.  I knew what was causing the problem at that time.  I started eating.  The following week I was already feeling better.  The doctor weaned me off the Prednisone.  I think I visited him a few times and he found me miraculously healed.  HMMMM.  No I didn’t tell them I had anorexia and I didn’t tell them I started eating.  See, I did NOT have a death wish.  I didn’t want to kill myself.  And I wanted children in my future too.  I had just written a research paper on anorexia for English class and had learned all kinds of information.  The fact that most girls stop menstruating during anorexia bothered me too.  I never stopped my period.  I don’t think I got bad enough, but if my kidneys had remained healthy…I would have stopped eating altogether.

Here is on picture I have of myself just after I started eating again.  It was after the weight came back on.  I was no more fat that a bean stalk.  LOL!!!

Of course, starting to eat didn’t heal anything but my physical body.  My mentality was still broken and it remained that way for many years.  Into adulthood, then motherhood.  When Courtney was about 3 years old, I decided that I needed to lose weight but I didn’t want to starve myself.  I weighed about 151 lbs.  I started exercising and trying to diet sensibly.  I did ok with the diet portion.  I knew that I couldn’t count calories…I didn’t trust myself.  I was afraid that if I started counting calories I would be right back where I had come from at 16 and I didn’t want to die.  I lost 27lbs in a year’s time and I managed to keep it off.  Until Seth.  Until Emily.  ROTF.

Again, this didn’t change my perception of myself.  I wasn’t happy with my body not even at 127lbs (I gained 3 lbs intentionally because I didn’t like the way I felt at 124 lbs).  I felt inadequate although I knew I wasn’t fat.  I can’t describe how I felt about myself during this time.  I knew I wasn’t fat.  I didn’t quite believe it until one day I went to the Gap store and tried on a black skirt I needed for church.  It was a size 6 and fell OFF.  I remember handing it to the dressing room attendant and running out of the store.  She called after me wanting to know what was going on….and I told her it didn’t fit.  She said she could get me a bigger size and I said “NO…it’s too BIG”.  I remember thinking I couldn’t be  wearing a 4.  a FOUR?  It scared me.  I had thought I was fat, although I knew I wasn’t until that moment. 

That was about the time Pat joined the Army and our lives changed forever.  LOL.  We moved to Germany in 2001 after OSUT at FLW, MO.  We lived in Germany for four years and I gave birth to two more babies, Seth and Emily.  It was after my pregnancy with Emily that I decided I needed to love me for who God created me to be.  I knew that it was His design that I needed to love, because He created me in His own image.  I was still a long way away from the peace I have today.

Just like many of you, I gained weight during pregnancy and during breastfeeding and then again during weaning time.  YUCK.  I found myself to be about 30 lbs over-weight

One day, I had had enough of my self-loathing.  I wanted healing and so I asked God for that healing.  He’s so gracious and loving and wonderful.  I wanted to see myself for what He sees, a creation made new in Him. 

Psalm 139:13-14  For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my Mother’s womb.  I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Your works are wonderful…because God formed me, created me…then what He created is wonderful, not because I say so or feel so, but because HIS WORD says so. 

But….we can’t just allow ourselves go…become obese, not care for our bodies at all. 

Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 3:16’ “Do you know that you are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?  If anyone defiles the temple of God, God will destroy him.  For the temple of God is holy, which temple you are.”

Of course, Paul was talking about the Body of Christ, or the church explicitly in this verse.  I believe that as part of the Body of Christ that this is also an exhortation personally.  Take care of yourself.  For me, this means I have to eat a nutritionally sound diet.  Type II Diabetes and heart disease both run in my family in the women.  I need to do everything in my power to eat right and exercise, not only so that I can live longer for my children (and potential grandchildren…faint…we aren’t discussing grandchildren until I am OLDER, much older-LOL) but also because I am the temple of God.

Can you take this too far, yes….anorexia is definitely an example of taking this too far.  You can also go too far the other way.  Obesity affects millions of Americans.  We are an obese country.  We eat horribly and we aren’t active enough.  It’s sad.  Gluttony IS a problem.  The answer to both issues is MODERATION.  Go to the Word for your inspiration in getting and staying healthy.  Proverbs 31:30 and Proverbs 23:2 are the two extremes….

Why do I exercise?  Why do I *diet*?  We’ll start with exercise.  I feel good when I am physically active.  I get less migraines and headaches.  That alone keeps me working out! LOL.  I also have a few physical problems. One is from having children.  I gave birth to my oldest when I was a few days from my 21st birthday.  During my pregnancy, my pelvis of course separated, but now I am plagued by a slippage in my coccyx bone.  If I exercise, it stays IN PLACE.  I’ve been to therapy after this goes out…I can’t walk, I can’t stand, I can’t lie down when it’s out.  I’d rather exercise than go through that pain again, or have to take muscle relaxers.  Those stink.  LOL!My third reason is also related to my bones….I have bad ankles.  BAD ANKLES.  I can manage to sprain them walking across the living room.  My physical therapist told me the best way to strengthen those ligaments is to do step aerobics.  No problem…I already do step aerobics at least 3 times per week. 

How often do I exercise.  3-5 days per week at 30-60 minutes a day.  Exercise does NOT take priority over anything in my life.   I homeschool my children and during the days when they have activities, it’s hard to get time to exercise.  For the past 6 weeks, I have exercised 5 days a week.  I’ve lost ten pounds (this was in conjunction of fixing my diet).  I use The Firm videos to work out in my home.  I’ve also used some of the Biggest Loser videos as well as Jilian Michaels (whom I get easily irritated with).   My advice is to find an exercise method that works for you, whether it be walking, running, cycling, and DO IT.  I enjoy body sculpting and light weight lifting…this is NOT my goal:

OK, that’s just GROSS…but then again so is this:

(that’s Twiggy by the way)

Diet….my philosophy on diet is…there is really no bad food.  Yes you read that correctly.  I eat junk food.  Most of the time, I eat it completely without guilt.  I have a cheat day set up in my system…Friday.  I eat well all week and then Friday I eat stuff. 

Here’s an example of my breakfast and lunches throughout the week:

Smoothie made with yogurt, banana, blueberries, spinach, ice, and flax seed.  No it’s good….honest.  I do vary the frozen fruits that go into them and the one I had yesterday was only so-so. 

There was cheese wrapped in that fat free ham.

Snacks, IF  I need them, are generally fruit and veggies.  Dinner…I eat whatever I cook for everyone else, including mashed potatoes.  LOL.  I’m not out for becoming super thin.  My goal is to be healthy.

Moderation is something that is easy to preach and hard to follow.  LOL!  

I know this post is long.  I would apologize but this post has been weighing on my mind for some time. PS…God healed me of my anorexic mind-set.  If you have a problem with that, Go to Him.  If that isn’t enough, seek medical intervention.  As my friend…I love you and I would miss you if you died.